SECONDARY INFERTILITY
Already have a child, but can't conceive again?
Not being able to have another child (secondary infertility) is more common than primary infertility; about 60% of infertile couples are secondarily infertile. It is extraordinary therefore that, given the numbers of couples involved, secondary infertility is completely underrated by professionals and public alike in terms of the huge distress it causes. It's every bit as bad as primary infertility for the people involved and some researchers say couples with secondary infertility actually suffer more. We never get drawn into value judgements and we do treat secondary infertility every bit as seriously as primary infertility.
Having one child is not a substitute for a second child. It may seem strange to couples with no child at all but that's the case. So couples with secondary infertility are suffering all the desire and longing and sense of incompleteness that couples experience when they have never had a child. On top of that they also experience social and emotional pressures that couples with primary infertility don't experience at all.
This is because society views couples with secondary infertility with suspicion. They are seen as either so concerned with their lifestyle and consumerism that they don't want the expense of another child, or so career conscious that another child would interfere too much with their career advancement. But couples say that if they confide the real reason why they have not had another child, people respond not with compassion and understanding as they would towards a couple with primary infertility, but usually make them feel insufficiently grateful for the child they already have and guilty about their desire for another. Couples comment that they learn very quickly to say nothing rather than be met with this response.
If members of your social group are having second children you begin to feel increasingly left out and alienated. You no longer fit in. A one-child family is not the same as a two-child family. As a result you often feel isolated from your social group which increases your sense of social abandonment and loneliness.
People with primary infertility tend to see you as completely selfish and don't understand your problem at all. As a result you may have felt very unwelcome in infertility support groups which cuts you off from any semi-official support as well.
Professionals rarely do any better; they fail to appreciate the depth of your emotional distress and so may not take it seriously, and in many areas there is no official provision for couples with secondary infertility anyway, so there is limited help even when couples do find a sympathetic ear.
Couples put pressure on themselves too; if you are paying for IVF you may feel guilty about spending money on trying for another pregnancy which you feel perhaps should be spent on the child you have. You may also worry about the time it takes up which is time spent away from your existing child. A single child, when old enough, may also start to apply pressure by asking why they are different from their friends who have brothers and sisters.
There is a mass of literature on infertility in general but secondary infertility is usually relegated to a few paragraphs in those books. When I was researching this particular problem a year or so ago I could only find one book devoted to it and that was out of print!
We have treated a number of women with secondary infertility and helped them a great deal. We provide an understanding ear and never underestimate their distress or their particular problems. This is a sound and supportive basis to work from with the mindbody and acupuncture programme.
